The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Swim Weak

The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Swim Weak

Photo: Bravo/Alexander Tamargo/Bravo

When they said it was going to be Miami Swim Week and that both Julia and Kiki would be walking in the shows, I conjured up images of teeny little bikinis, of little bras with loosely tied sarongs around the hips, of the kinds of things that would be so scandalous that your evil stepmother would kick you out of the house for wearing one in public. I had great hope when Julia went to her fitting. She’s wearing a black one-piece, and she may be the only person on earth to look better in that cut than Emily Simpson, our lady of the one-piece. At Kiki’s fitting she was rocking bikinis and all sorts of things that might get you kicked out of a country club pool.

But then, when it’s the big day, cue the sad trombone sound effect. They made a big deal about Julia closing the Shan fashion show, but when she first comes out, she’s wearing a full-on caftan. It looked chic and gorgeous, but it wasn’t even a little bit see-through. Where is all of Julia’s skin? All of those long, Russian limbs yearning to break free? Then, in her closing look, she could have been wearing a bathing suit, but it had a jacket and a giant pair of trousers over it. She had more coverage than all of the insurance plans that Vicki Gunvalson has ever sold.

The same thing goes for Kiki. Her first look is a great beige gown with fringe all the way down to the ground. The second one was a coral cocktail dress. Well, I thought it was coral, but I was so stunned that I wasn’t seeing Kiki dressed for Le Club 55 that I don’t know if I fully clocked the color. The dress she wore before and after the show was a lot skankier. It was like two black bands of fabric somehow cantilevered to her boobs to keep the whole configuration afloat. It was a feat not just of fashion but also engineering.

We usually don’t hear much about Kiki and her life, but it turns out that her father kicked her out of the house at 15 for being a model, and she had to get a job at Burger King. What?! This puts her whole fascination with the fast food chain in a different perspective. Kiki is obviously a very resilient and strong person, but way stronger and more resilient than any of us know. She still eats Burger Doodle (as I like to call it) even after working there. That takes guts. I mean that literally. It takes a colon of steel.

I did feel bad for Kiki when she piled everyone in the Sprinter after her fashion show to go to a party and everyone bailed because they had to wait 10 minutes in traffic. Only Adriana and Julia stayed. I think Adriana was also a little upset that there wasn’t more flesh at fashion week because we see her later in the episode go to record with Emilio Estefan, Gloria’s ex, and she is wearing what can only be described as a pair of jeans that dressed up as a slut for Halloween. It was like a denim mullet but also a dress. The only person on Earth who could possibly like this was Kid Rock, and thankfully, he’s been banned from 32 of the 51 States of America. (The State of Confusion was just ratified as the 51st state under the current Republican regime in the House of Representatives.)

While we saw lots of clothes in this episode, there wasn’t much story to talk about. Lisa went to see another $5 million house she couldn’t afford; this one was full of tacky furniture and a living room with tacky marble flooring that would surely crack a toddler’s tooth the first time he fell on it. She says she almost reached a deal with Lenny but that they got into a huge fight and he took it all away. I have no doubt that Lenny was the one at fault here because the man is like a sportscar made out of moldy hair, but I would like a little bit more context. I know we say that Lisa talks too much about Lenny, but we would like a slightly bigger window into her suffering, please, if only so that we can tell her how lucky she is to have escaped with her life.

Larsa and Marcus defy a court order and record another episode of their dutifully boring and completely unnecessary podcast. What did we learn this time? They don’t really mind their age gap, but other people really do. Well, if they minded, would they even be in this relationship in the first place? Also, I somehow feel like this whole thing is an attempt to get brand integration with The Gap.

Guerdy goes out to lunch with Russel, her saint of a granite-faced husband, and talks about how depressed she is that the prognosis for her cancer keeps getting worse and worse. Not only didn’t they clear the margins of her lumpectomy, requiring another surgery, but she’s also in the zone that she’s going to have to have chemo. When Alexia calls with encouragement and the invitation to the group trip to Mexico City, Guerdy hopes that she can plan her girls’ trip around her cancer treatment. Oh, it’s so real and terrible, and I just want our girl to get well so that we can go back to the stupid fights that animate this show.

Speaking of which, we sure did get one hell of a stupid fight after Julia’s fashion show but before Kiki’s. Nicole found out from Julia that Adriana invited Ana to the Mamacita Madness party so that she could spill some secrets about Alexia, which completely exonerates her from the accusations that Marysol and Alexia were making about her complicity.

I know that some out there think that Nicole knew that Ana would cause waves and that’s why she had her there, but as the charter member of the Nicole-backs, the Dr. Nicole Martin fan club, I don’t think she did. Yes, she knew she was an old cast member and might not love Marysol, but why would she suspect that Adriana would make her talk about Todd’s supposed financial troubles?

What was so aggravating about the whole exchange is what is aggravating about every exchange with Alexia: she’s just kind of dumb. She and Marysol say that Nicole should have told Ana to leave her party because it made her friends upset when her friends already stormed out of the party, erroneously thinking that Nicole had set a trip for them. I mean, that’s just insane. What are they even asking for? Even with everything they found out, everything Adriana copped to, they’re still finding piddling reasons to be pissed off at Nicole. I don’t like to ever say that Adriana is right, but I think Alexia feels like there is a new alpha in the group, and she’s desperately barking to remain top dog.

Finally, Alexia says that Adriana planned the whole thing as if she came up with that idea, and it is entirely hers. No, various and sundried groups of people have been trying to tell her this for the better part of a week, and no one could get through. We know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but we have no clue how many ideas it takes to get to the center of Alexia’s obviously lacking grey matter. She finally exonerates Nicole, and it’s kind of like when you walk up to an intersection and the person in the car at the stop sign waves you on. Um, yeah. I know I can go; I have the right of way. You don’t get to tell me I can go because I’m going anyway. Alexia is just like that driver, telling Nicole that she is innocent when Nicole knew it all along. It’s enough to drive you crazy; it’s enough to make you think that there might actually be swimsuits at Miami Fashion Week.

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